Subject #1: The Eye Sweater

I dated The Eye Sweater - we shall call him “Radu” - for several months in 2007. By dating him, I was commiting the sin of seeing someone for the sole purpose of not being “the single friend.” I met Radu at a bar (of course) and he was definitely chattier than the average person, but, as I had enjoyed several delicious cocktails over the course of the evening, I gave him my number anyhow.

He called. We met for coffee. It was nice. He had an education, a job and read books and that kind of man - of the unmarried variety - isn’t always easy to find in the greater Utica area. So, I invited him to come to Syracuse with me and some of my friends for Japanese. We agreed to meet at the Thruway at a certain time. I arrived and waited. And waited. And waited. And when my friend “Molly” called to make sure I was on my way, I told her that he was 30 minutes late with no call and that I was ready to bounce. Just then, up rolls Radu. I figured that he must have had to work late or was held up due to a traffic accident. You know, something significant that would justify being a half-hour late with no call. He couldn’t find his iPod. He left me sitting there because he lost his fucking iPod.

In the bathroom at the resturant, I told Molly about the iPod. She still thought that I should give him a chance because “guys are just clueless” about things like that and I’m too quick to dismiss them. Fine.

I continued to see Radu, and discovered that he was horrifically bad at sex. Seriously, I believe his technique is known as “the Jackhammer.” If it is not known as that, it should be, and therefore it now is. He was so inept that I had an abnormal Pap test because he traumatized my cervix. He also grimaced a lot, and I thought that was something a serial killer might do. And the excessive sweat was painful. It was literally painful: he sweat in my eye and it stung like a sonofabitch. If memory serves, that was the last time intercourse was had between the two of us. I just couldn’t bring myself to go there any more. The thought of having sex with him actually turned my stomach.

Throughout the time together, Radu continued to prove himself an inconsiderate boor. The final straw came when he backed out of attending my friend “Kerry’s” wedding and Molly’s wedding with me. He had agreed to attend several weeks earlier and called me the day before Kerry’s and 2 days before Molly’s to say that he was going to do some work. I only kept him around after Kerry’s because I didn’t want to go to Molly’s stag. Should have gone with my gut, as always! The last time I spoke to him was when he ditched Molly’s wedding. He called, he texted, I ignored.

It’s alright though…I spent the weekend with a groomsman who definitely didn’t sweat in my eye.